Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Pick Your Poison: Which Is The Worst Song Ever?

I have been struggling lately with a realization––lyrical content is absent in 90% of my generation's music. It's true. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if John Lennon is turning in his grave on a daily basis.

In all sincerity, I have been very disappointed in my generation's music for many years now, but it wasn't until this week that I began mourning the loss of it.

With that being said, which of the two "songs" do you think is the worst?


Option 1:

Rebecca Black- "Friday"

Option 2:

Jenna Rose ft. Triggy - "My Jeans"

Oh, and by the way... no... I don't feel bad about making fun of 12 year-old girls.

Monday, March 14, 2011

BRAVO/HELL NO 3/6/11 - 3/13/11

And so we continue. The second installment of Bravo/Hell No––The segment where I comment on the 3 people/things/events from the prior week that I feel were robbed of their deserved applause and the 3 people/things/events that I feel dodged an equally deserved scolding. Now, let us begin...

BRAVO to The Donnis Trio

I am a tad under the weather at the moment. I have been for a few days now. Consequently, I haven't accomplished much except sitting, eating, sleeping, and staring at Facebook/Twitter (rarely posting or tweeting). While staring at  Facebook, I stumbled upon a link to this little gem. (Website link in the name).

A very chill, relaxing band, who were apparently a 1-album wonder. They are on iTunes, so you have no excuse to not check them out. I can really see them appealing to anyone of any taste (that is, besides the Jersey Shore, club head, douche bag crowd). So, basically, as long as you can name at least 4 states in the USA, count to 20, and you don't shop at Armani Exchange... than you SHOULD like this group.

HELL NO to Bathroom Ads.

Fun Fact: The average individual is exposed to roughly 5,000 ads a day. From billboards to bus stops, T.V. to your cell phone applications, advertisements hunt you down and make you read the pitch or promotion no matter where you turn. It used to be that the only place one could hide from the constant brain-berating ad stimulus was in a bathroom stall... not anymore.

Now, thanks to an advertising firm in North Carolina, you now have to view an ad for a Big Mac while your colon is punishing your anus for eating one.

BRAVO to Tiki Barber.

A little of 4 years ago, Tiki Barber, former New York Giants running back, retired from the NFL and began broadcasting for NBC.

Fast forward to last Wednesday, TIKI RETURNS!

Some were skeptical of his choice to return and ridiculed him for ever leaving.

You know who else they did that to? Brett Favre. THE BRETT FAVRE who came out of a (seemingly) 3-week-long retirement, played a mediocre season with the Jets and then had a career year with the Minnesota Vikings.

Tiki is simply following in Favre's foot steps. In fact, I will predict his future:

This year (if the NFL does have "a year") Tiki will ride some bench, a rookie will get injured in week 9 or 10, and Tiki will start and dominate. He will then sign a large 2 year contract in the offseason with a different team and mid-way through the second season... SURPRISE! He will pull a Bretty Favre, snap a picture of his dang-a-lang and retire in shame to some house in Bamblefuck, USA.


HELL NO to people eating fecal matter.

I am a very large promoter of freedom of speech. In fact, I believe that many of the greatest comics/writers use "curse words" in a way that adds to the scene, character, and/or joke. However, I do believe that there is a fine line between freedom of speech and absurdity. 

This Australian girl apparently struggles to walk said fine line, let alone find it.

BRAVO to crackheads.

I understand that crackheads are typically frowned upon for... well, smoking crack. Though, I think we overlook their best quality; crackheads are amazingly inventive when it comes to finding jobs.

Let's be real, based on America's shitty job market, at least 10 of my blog readers are probably unemployed. Did any of you unemployed readers ever think once about being thrown 23 feet and 9 inches so that you could pay the electric? I bet not.

HELL NO to My Last Name.

Yes, HELL NO to my last name! Why? Well, due to the fact that it is an old, Southern racial slur, I scored 8 points with it while playing Scrabble.

That's great! He scored 8 points with his last name is Scrabble! You may be saying to yourself or a loved one.

And you'd be right to do so because that is a nice perk, but I have taken a great deal of ridicule for my last name since leaving Lake Zurich. Example, last Mother's Day (Fake Holiday... sorry, Mom, if you read this) I had to endure an extra 15 minutes at a Pandora Outlet, while the sales person called up her friend using the store phone's speakerphone to laugh at my name before ringing up the purchase. Her parting words were, "Hahahaha... if you went to my school... your ass would have been beat! Hahahahaha!"

Saturday, March 12, 2011

SWIM UPDATE: Officially International!

It is official, SWIM: A Memoir of Survival is now sold Internationally!

Those of you who have visited my website in the past week may have noticed a new tab entitled, "International Bookstore". The link wasn't 100% functional until Thursday night. After re-tweaking some credit card security settings, the bookstore is now in business. Since opening its doors, 2 books have sold Internationally and 3 have sold domestically. The biggest plus to buying from the bookstore (besides the slightly cheaper shipping [compared to Amazon]) is that I personalize and sign EVERY copy.

With all of that being said, I am pleased to announce that the first International copy will be shipped out Monday morning and it should arrive in Wales, UK by next Saturday.

All of this would not have been possible without the aid of 3 WONDERFUL charities, which are run by 3 WONDERFUL people:

CHD-UK - Hazel

Keep tuning in to the blog.

Send me some interesting links (if you have them) by using the e-mail link in the upper right. Another Bravo/Hell No should be out Sunday.

And please, by all means, Tweet and Post about the blog in the upper left corner/bar on the bottom.

Have a good day!

Friday, March 11, 2011


Ladies and Gentlemen... "SWIM" IS NOW ON KINDLE!!!!!!!!!!

Click Here to check it out!

The book... I mean... eBook... is also available on iPad, iPhone, and all Android powered phones. To access this function, simply download the Kindle Whispernet app, access the store, and then download the book directly into your phone!

In the spirit of eBooks being cheaper than their paperback counterparts, the Kindle edition is currently retailing at $9.99!

Hopefully this satisfies the (well over) 70-or-so people who were begging me to release it on this platform.

Like always, thank you to all the readers and fans who helped pushed the book to the level of Kindle-demand.

Have a great one!

Sunday, March 06, 2011

BRAVO & HELL NO! 2/27/11 - 3/5/11

It's time for the first installment of BRAVO! & HELL NO! In this segment, I will comment on my 3 favorite things from the week, and the 3 aspects of life that managed to piss me off. Please note, it is very difficult to piss me off, so if something managed to anger me, it is REALLY lame.

Now, if you happened to have glanced at the date of publication, you may have noticed that I am posting this on a Sunday and not on a Saturday. I know, I know. Technically today is the start of a whole new week. In all honesty, though this form of post has a "weekly" vibe to it, I am becoming progressively worse with deadlines, so for the sake of this blog, just pretend today is Saturday.

Now, without further ado... BRAVO! & HELL NO!

BRAVO to this video.

Not so much to Charlie Sheen, but to these beautiful 2 seconds. I kid you not when I say that I spent easily 20 minutes of my life watching this video on repeat. That's right, do the math... triple digit views on this one. Though, I must say, in regards to Charlie Sheen as a person... I kiiiiinda like him more now after watching his 20/20 interview. Yah, he's crazy. But I challenge you to live in Chicago, ride the CTA 2-4 times a day, and then tell me just how crazy Charlie Sheen really is. I'm not condoning his crack rock parties, hooker meet-ups, or his "tiger blood," but I must say, in comparison to other celebs... he's fucking nuts. In comparison to society... Charlie Sheen could run for Senate.

HELL NO to the entire premise of this movie.

Since I first saw this trailer while watching American Idol on Tuesday (What!? Bill, you watch American Idol? Seriously? Yah, I do. And I'm currently rooting for Pia Toscano because she is insanely hot). Anyway, every time I saw this trailer for Beastly, I could not help but say out loud, "Really? That's easily the dumbest movie plot I have seen since since G-Force" Fortunately, I am not the only one to feel this way. During this weekend's episode of SNL, Miley Cyrus and Andy Samberg spoofed the movie beautifully.

BRAVO to rapper, Truth Himself.

In my opinion, this guy is one of the, if not, THE best unsigned rapper out there right now. One of the biggest selling points for me on this guy is the fact that he actually has lyrics that mean something. In today's music scene, lyrical content is missing in easily 90% of music and is very hard to come by. For this, Truth Himself, I salute you.

I have provided a SoundCloud link to his track, "One Song". Give it a listen, you won't regret it...

(Taken at a fashion show in Paris, France on 3/4/11)

HELL NO to the world of fashion.

By no means do I consider myself to be a stylist, a fashionista, or even a TJ Maxxinista, but even I know this is not hot, attractive, nor will this style ever catch on in the states.

Personally, I feel bad for these girls. I can't help wonder what is going through their mind as they strut the catwalk looking like they just came from the deleted scenes of Black Swan. Then again, maybe they love it. Like I said, I am the furthest thing from a style expert, so if I am wrong, I'd consider this a warning, ladies. Next season, shit-stain makeup and Roseanne Barr ass may be the new trend.

(To see more videos and the entire campaign, click here.)

BRAVO to the American Cancer Society's "More Birthdays" Campaign.

I was actually introduced to this campaign back in December in my Ad Copy class at Columbia. However, it wasn't until the ad ran during the Oscars that I remembered how awesome it was. It is so incredibly intelligent. They took a topic that would typically buzzkill anything and did a complete 180. Instead of talking about how many people are dying from cancer, they talk about the number of people who are living due to cancer research and donations. Atop of that, they created a website where you can buy wrapping paper that is designed by the participating artists, and they created little videos that are guaranteed to go viral through social networking sites. Pure genius.


HELL NO to the state of Wisconsin's Legislature!

State Sen.  Mary Lazich and State Rep. Mark Honadel drafted a bill this past week that would prohibit anyone from making a prank call, modulating their voice, and/or using a service to modify their Caller I.D. output name.

Many are speculating that this new bill is a response to Governor Walker spilling the beans on tax payers money to a blogger who was pretending to be a Billionaire lobbyist.

However, I feel as though I need to speak on the behalf of a large group of people who are going to be affected and devastated by this bill... Wisconsin citizens with shitty names.

Can you imagine how many noble, tax paying citizens of Wisconsin are going to be inconvenienced by this bill? The Wisco DMVs are sure to be flooded with men and woman alike named Hugh Jass, Mike Rotch, Ivanna Havesechs, Dick Burnz, I.P. Freely, A. Nellsex, Ima P. Ness, E. Rex Sean, Harry A. Nuis,  and countless other.

This blog has many Wisconsinites following it. Because of this, I urge you all to CONTACT YOUR CONGRESSMAN and beg that they repeal this vote.

If not for Clint Torres, than at least for the children.

Saturday, March 05, 2011

The Real World


Am I moving on to round 2 of the Real World auditions? I have absolutely no idea. They told everyone that they would call within 24 hours if they were interested. The next round would be an interview over Skype with the head Producers in (presumably) L.A.

If I do receive the call, I will go. However, if I don't... I won't be too upset. Simply because 90% of the individuals who I interviewed with were CRAAAAZZZZY!

I arrived around 4:00 PM (the last interviewees arrived at 4:30 PM). I was handed a 3-page form and asked to answer each question. The questions were what I expected:

Do you do drugs?
Have you ever been incarcerated?
What is your relationship like with your family? Describe.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
Why do you want to be on the Real World?
How heavily do you drink?
Are you in a relationship? If so, how strong is the relationship? Where does it stand?
Do you have children?
Have you ever received a DUI?
What are you passionate about?
What is your current job?
Do you plan on pursuing your career or passion while on the Real World?
What would you friends say about you? What is your best trait? Your worst?
What do you look for in a significant other?

... that's all I can remember...

I answered every question (after adding a fictional semi-dramatic, good-for-tv-esk response, then headed into a waiting area of about 100 people. [Supposedly the line was triple that number in the morning]).

From there a charismatic 30-something year-old man took us to a large oval table and asked us the same questions, but he delved further into each one after our initial response.

This is what brings me to the reason why I would not mind moving on...

One of the guys in my group, Craig, told a 5 minute-long story about a time when he really needed to piss while road tripping by himself. As opposed to pulling over, Craig grabbed a beer bottle that he had just polished off (while driving) and began to urinate into it like Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber. As he was peeing, he began to speed and was pulled over by a cop. The cop (supposedly) not only saw him peeing into an open beer bottle, but Craig had to keep peeing, so he pissed all over the steering wheel, gas pedal, and his own leg... the cop watched it all.

The other person in my group was named Maria. We were asked to go in a circle and say one word to describe ourselves. After a series of responses such as, "Fun, Outgoing, Relaxed, Carefree, and Exciting," Maria replied, "Umm... honestly, I would say, 'Mean Bitch'." Everyone stared at each other baffled.

"Okay..." the prompter replied. We answered a couple more simple questions before being sent home and told to expect a call from an 8-1-8 area coded number.

If this Real World plot line dies on this blog, just assume that I was not asked to proceed to the Skype round. Also, consider me lucky that I will not be living in a house for 3-4 months with Craig and Maria.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

This is a blog post, but it is more of a foreshadow: The Real World

About 6 months ago I jokingly applied for "MTV's The Real World." Why? Well, why not?

The audition sign-up page on was pretty straightforward. It explained how the first round of auditions were to be performed online. Applicants had to submit 3-4 pictures of themselves and type a 7-10 sentence paragraph that answered: "What makes you unique?"

I quickly typed a paragraph, chose 3 pictures from Facebook, and submitted the application.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. I was boarding the Harrison red line when my cell phone went off and I had received an e-mail from "MTV Productions." Because my application to the Real World wasn't very serious, I had forgotten that I had even applied, so you can only imagine my face when I opened the e-mail to find the above header and a "VIP Pass To Cut The Line". 

Long story short, I have an audition on Saturday. The real blog post will come then when I dissect the auditioning process. I just thought that I would tease a future, more interesting post. I mean, shit, what would an author's blog be without a little foreshadowing, right?